It was roughly twenty minutes into extra time in Dusseldorf - and four pints deep - that the skipper (and soon to be ironman) James Yeomans lent over and said, 'Will you do the match report?' I agreed, obviously forgot immediately, and was then again reminded by one James Grant via WhatsApp the following afternoon. 'Just don't talk about yourself too much,' he warned. I - a thrice published author and playwright - promised an inclusive and fair write up. It follows thusly...

In wet and windy conditions - the dark clouds of socialism? - a much changed OP side lined up against the confusingly named Maori Oxshott in a battle of the Div 5 basement boys. Stand-in skipper (and soon to be ironman) Yeomans lost the toss and so we were inserted in very bowler friendly conditions.

If a week is a long time in politics, then a hour is an epoch in Surrey Div Five cricket, and we were promptly reduced to 30 - 4 amidst the drizzle. Special mention to Freddie Light who played with characteristic class in a knock of 40 - comfortably the top score in both innings. James Grant smashed 11 runs off 37 balls before getting a good one. And this was perhaps the crucial dismissal of the game, as it allowed him to drive to Molesey Pets and Aquatic Centre to buy saw dust. Twice.

Fittingly - (given the block-holes on the unused wickets were now resembling ponds) - there were seven ducks in our innings. Including one for yours truly, although let's all bear in mind that I am a thrice published author and playwright. Tom Abbott scored 26 and Masab Khan 13 not out to get us to something to bowl at. Given the horrible conditions, surely we had a chance?

Abbott bowled accurately and with some venom to get two early ones, before Yeomans turned to me. I basically bowl a mixture of worldies and pies and that's sort of what happened, and I got a couple and then ran someone out with a direct hit. The sky was clear of rain at this point, but busy with flying pigs.

At 60-5 we were looking set to win a low scoring thriller. Yeomans bowled beautifully but without luck, while Masab and JG also persevered cunningly without reward. And so gutsy knocks by someone who looked and was 14, and a man who looked and was not 86, got them close. Despite Abbott's heroic second spell - which included another scalp - they got home 15 minutes after kick-off, six down.

All that is left is to thank those that stepped manfully into the side at the last minute. Jay Lakhani, Stephen Pearce, Ally Simpson, and Matt Valks all performed with great gusto and skill. With Valks also taking the gloves and really getting us out of a hole. As Sir Keir might say, we are all in this together.